Getting to Know a Homeless Artist

Interview with Mykael Wolf, homeless artist from Skid Row, by Joshua Thaisen

J- Can you tell me about your childhood?

M- I was foster cared at age 4 coz’ my mother was a crack head… I was born in South Central.

J- When you were placed in Child Protective Services where did they have you located?

M- It was me and my two younger brothers, they split us up. My youngest brother went to baby detox… they put him in straight jackets, and me and my other brother got put into a foster home. Eventually my Aunt and Uncle - my Mom’s brother and his wife ended up getting legal guardianship of us. From there we went from Hawthorne to Inglewood where I was pretty much raised.

J- What was it like at that stage of your life to have your family completely broken down?

M- At that point a lot of it is repressed because the abuse was physical, sexual, mental… It was full on. Being put with my Aunt and Uncle wasn’t actually a safe haven. The abuse actually continued.

J- Who was abusing you?

M- It was actually my Aunt, my Uncle was never home. Everything was my aunt. I don’t like Hot Wheels, especially the tracks because that was her weapon of choice, and I found out from other family members that she had been using that years before me and my brothers. The side of the tracks had split, so it was three whips in one. I have confronted this more in recent years, and have come to terms with it being child abuse… I was a child slave.

J- How did this affect your happiness at this time of your life?

M- I was clinically depressed by the age of 9, I was suicidal at 9…

J- Have you attempted suicide?

M- Yeah… pills, cutting… it didn’t matter. The only time I ever felt happiness was if I was outside the house completely , and was around somebody who didn’t know my Aunt, so I got to be who I was rather than who I was supposed to be.

J- How did these events effect your ability to connect with the world as you grew older?

M- I had no friends, I was pretty much terrified of people. By the time the teenage years hit I was already conditioned. My connection with Skid Row began a lot earlier then most people out here. A lot of people come out here as homeless adults. Somewhere between 9 and 12 years old I got in trouble and my uncle drove me down in his El Camino, and stopped at 6th and San Julian, near Lamp’s Drop in center. I was forced out of the car and handed a paper bag. I was told this is where I was going to live because I was always in trouble. I don’t remember how long I was there, I don’t remember him driving away, All I remember was crying. I was 9 years old on the streets of Skid Row in the middle of the crack heads. These people don’t have a clue, this place has cleaned up, this is nice compared to the early 90’s. I eventually made my way back home, which was the set up for sexual abuse between the ages of 12-17. I pretty much had to do everything I was told, that’s why I describe it as slavery. I had to do what I was directed or commanded otherwise I was going to be back out on Skid Row.

J- When was your first stint of prolonged Homelessness in Skid Row?, and what where the first few nights like?

M- July 2nd 2012, Well I got lucky. When I got down here I was trying to find the bus for the women’s shelter, I went to the OA, and was told I had to do an Intake. So I actually started my life on Skid Row in a shelter. That was actually pretty damn scary… Even though I have been in rehabs and shelters before, down here it’s a different world. Your watching needles, your watching people get high, the only comfort I had for a long time was the purple wall, that gate between Skid Row and the OA. Luckily you don’t get kicked out during the day, so I used to stay in there, and started getting used to the people. It was pretty difficult for a while, but what was strange to me was the way I walked through Skid Row… I had no fear. I knew I should be scared but it started to feel like home. Looking back to the time I was dropped off on Skid Row, and growing up in an abusive household, I realize that it was the same thing! the same techniques, the same way of walking to avoid being seen, the same way to manipulate other people. It took me a few weeks to finally start talking to people. I used to keep a bus pass so I could get out of Skid Row. So I could make doctors appointments, go job hunting, whatever I had to do to not stay down here.

J- Do you have friends down here?

M- I wouldn’t call anybody down here a friend, but I began to trust an old veteran. My uncle was in the military, that’s why I don’t consider him an abuser that was just his way of life. So it was easy for me to talk to him, and then that made it easier for me to talk to other people, then eventually after watching people all the time I could tell who was causing trouble and who wasn’t. By the time I found a real friend, I had been down here for almost 8 months. I can now walk around and talk to hundreds of people, I check in with a bunch of people, but they’re just people I know. I keep tabs on them because they’re in the middle of the hustle and bustle. So if I need information they’re the people to go to.

J- How did abuse and mental illness affect the development of your sexual identity?

M- I really didn’t have an identity, I only started dating because I was forced to date. My Aunt started getting upset because I had no interest in boys or girls. Sexuality meant nothing to me. I actually only started dating because of her, and in reality it was because he started sexually molesting me on the school bus. I stuck with guys, sometimes girls, but that’s because my main abuser was female. I can’t handle them, I’ll play mind games, and I’ll destroy them. I will settle my sexual orientation as a gay boy, but I will play anyway. As long as it’s not long, no long term relationship, I’ll play anything, but in the end I’m mostly with men, that’s because my role model was my uncle.

J- Do you think you are growing more emotionally available?

M- Definitely more, I actually had everything locked away. Everything inside of me, everything I had going on, I internalized, and it just grew bigger, bigger, bigger until it exploded! By the time I got to Skid Row I wasn’t weak I was actually becoming a happy person. Skid Row doesn’t affect me the way it does other people because the similarity between my childhood and what’s out there. I’ve grown strong; I’ve learnt to say no, “Get the fuck away from me! And leave me alone!”

J- Have you ever been Incarcerated?

M- No, I got put in mental hospitals a lot as a kid.

J- How did the health system support you going in and out of mental health care?

M- I was going to those places mostly as a kid, and there is no support going in and no support going out. I got put in the first time for running away from home. My aunty called the Sheriffs office and reported me missing. Eventually I was tracked down to my boy’s house, and I was taken home. I went upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom, and when everything calmed down I came out, opened the window and was busting the screen out when my Aunt came in the room. I said, “fuck it”, I climbed out of the window onto the roof and jumped. After that I was taken to Kaiser Hospital then the Children’s Mental Hospital. I was told my family would be there to bring me cloths, but no one showed up. I wore the same cloths for three days before my cloths were washed. Luckily one of the parents of somebody else bought me cloths. Going in there was great, coming out of there….(Laughs) I loved being in the Mental Hospital. It was like a vacation. Coming out was okay in the way that my family was afraid of me, so it kinda’ pushed the abuse away a little bit. I was in there for a lot of days, and in that time period they told everybody that I was in a mental hospital, so when I got out it was pretty much a full onslaught by kids, and nobody did anything.

(Segway back to Mykael at 9 years old and her first suicide attempt)

J- Can you explain the process, the feelings, the understanding of suicide and what it meant at that point of your life?

M- At that point my entire life was black. There was no up, there was no down. It was just black… I was wishing to be back in foster care. It was one of those things where I didn’t want to live. I was living in a family where they said the words ‘I love you’, and it meant I was goin’ to get my ass beat. If I got a hug that was just a special show in public. I just didn’t want to live, If this was going to be my life then I was just done. My first suicide attempt was with pills. I knew the combination I was taking, I knew the amount I was taking, and I knew damn well that it would kill a full size adult 3 times over. I swallowed them all and was waiting to die… I woke up. I can’t tell you if I woke up the next day, things were a blur. Life commenced as normal, but I can tell you that when I woke up the medicine cabinet was empty. It definitely tells me something had transpired I just don’t know what.

J- How many times have you attempted suicide?

M- Well, I wasn’t keeping count, but if I was, I would have lost track by the age of 14. In between the ages of 14-17 I gave up on suicide attempts because it wasn’t working. When you know your doing it right and it’s just not working you just give in. I prayed to just be dead by the time I turned 18. My 18th birthday was not a party for me. I’ve seen a lot of things… I see a lot of things down here that show me there is no hope. Everyone is just waiting to die.

J- How is your mental health now as an adult?

M- I’ve actually been finally diagnosed properly. I would have to say it that way because I was improperly diagnosed. I was described as Schizo-effective for many years. I went back to an old therapist, and right off the bat she said, “I knew you before, I know you now, and you’re not Schizo-effective”. She says “one thing I will tell you is that your possibly bi-polar, I’m definitely going to say mild mood disorder, I’m definitely going to say ADHD, and I’m definitely going to say OCD”. She had that diagnosis within 30 minutes of talking to me and looking at my notebooks. I was too organized, I knew too many dates, facts, figures right off the top of my head. Eventually I stopped seeing her, because I was seeing in myself that therapy wasn’t helping me. I was going out talking to people, talking to people online, especially in other countries. My favorite friends were either Dutch, British, or Australian (Laughs). 4 months ago I was officially diagnosed PTSD...

J- Does that require counseling and medication?

M- For me, I’m non-medication recommended. I took myself off pills, now 7 years ago. And the new Psychiatrist I’m talking to doesn’t recommend taking pills, because over the last 4 years I have developed a wide range of coping skills, and strategies to avoid medication. So She’s letting me go without medication, but I still have to see her on a monthly basis. Just in case (laughs)

J- How did writing and art help you get to the place you are now?

M- When I was 9, I was asked ‘what do want to do when you grow up?’. My brother said firefighter, we all laughed at him! We all knew he wanted to be a firefighter; his entire room was red with fire engines everywhere. But whatever, he was 7, so it was cute! I said I wanted to be an artist, and got hit with- ‘well why do you wanna’ be that?’ “I like drawing. It’s what I want” I was told “that’s not job, that’s not a career, your gonna’ be on drugs, your gonna’ be on the street, your always gonna’ be a beggar, and burden society”. The next day my easel and art supplies were all trashed, broken, then thrown away. So art pretty much became a secret for me, jewelry, crafting, things I could get away with. Then I started writing music, more lyrics than anything. I used to keep them hidden in notebooks, in my bookshelf behind big oversized books. Eventually that was the only place I could only be honest.

I was in court ordered therapy since I was 4. Being honest in therapy always ended up in getting beaten at home. So writing became that outlet because I couldn’t talk to anyone. As I got older I shared it with a music teacher, and he told me It wasn’t music, that it wont go with any song. But what it was is poetry, then I started writing even more! I still have my original poetry all the way back to 93.

J- Has writing become a form of therapy?

M- Yeah! Completely unintentionally. It started out with what I call ‘Dear No One letters’. I didn’t like journals or diaries, But one day I wanted to write something so I began with “Dear no one, today I…” and I just started writing anything and everything that came to my head, and heart… I wrote it down. Considering I sucked at English it was completely jumbled, no sentence format, paragraphs however the fuck I wanted. It was a release of everything inside, and I kept writing until there was nothing left to write. I used to hide all of my letters in a plastic clear shoebox under my bed. Everything I wrote ended up in that box. One of the letters I used to write when I was 12 was called ‘What is Love?” I don’t fully understand what that is, because what I was taught was so twisted, and also I don’t understand God. I denounced religion when I was 6 years old, I had a preacher actually call me the devils daughter!

J- Are you religious now?

M- I am not religious now, but I am very spiritual, I follow my heart. At 18 I tried to go back to Christianity. The preaching in Skid Row is the most annoying thing in the world… I get it your trying to help people, but you don’t need to be out here with megaphones blasting people. Some down here are really awesome, really cool. If it’s not your thing it’s not your things and that’s cool. There are others that literally start attacking and chasing you because you’re wrong. (Laughs) I was in the OA and overheard a conversation, “your homeless because you don’t believe in God, God is punishing you because you don’t believe in God! (Laughs) So I stopped and turned around to see who this conversation was between! It was between two homeless people!! (Laughs) So then what the hell are you doing here!! Churches are coming down here, and the cops are cracking down on the food giveaways down here. Which I think is good, there is too much waste, and a lot of it was no good to begin with. Too many people were getting sick. I don’t believe in God, I don’t know what a God is. But I do believe that down here people have to find hope in whatever form it takes.